I was driving down a couple of county roads the other day when, in the first few miles, I saw a couple of dead raccoons. A little later on I spotted on the side of the road, a deer that had met its demise. It reminded me of my fellow farm broadcaster friend, Cliff Mitchell. Cliff, who passed away in 2017, was the voice of KASM Radio in Albany, MN for over 50 years. He was also an auctioneer.
I would see Cliff every October in Madison, WI at the World Dairy Expo. Many of the farm broadcasters would do our reports and interviews in the media room. We would all wait for Cliff, when he was on the air, to give the roadkill report on his drive from Albany to Madison, which was about a 350 mile trip. His report would go something like this: The KASM Roadkill Report on my trip to World Dairy Expo included 5 raccoons, 3 deer, one goose, one woodchuck and 3 unidentified. Now the unidentified meant that the animal that got struck by a vehicle was so flattened out and was nothing but a flat furry blood spot along the road. And driving by it at 60mph, it was impossible to identify, thus the name.
Cliff was well known for this report as he would give it on any trip he took. If his trip did not include broadcasting, which was rare, he would give the report the next day in the studio. His reports were much anticipated at our annual Farm Broadcasters meeting in Kansas City every November. The counts of roadkill were always higher as Cliff drove about 525 miles to get there. He’d have another report after he drove back home.
Cliff had us all believing that he was the youngest of 19 children and the only boy in the family. He had his bosses at KASM believing that too. He needed some days off and when one of his two sisters, not 18, passed away, he made up the story and he received a number of paid days off. Now it was true that he was the only boy in the family but beyond that, well let’s just say it was a bit of a stretch. He always made sure that there was not much going on at the station when one of his fictitious sisters died. Many of us farm broadcasters expected to read a long list of sisters in his obit when he passed away but there were only two. Now his bosses I’m sure finally figured it out after the 10th or 11th sister’s funeral but they always gave him the time off. They couldn’t fire him; he was an institution and a Hall of Fame Farm Broadcaster.
Speaking of World Dairy Expo, Cliff and a few other broadcasters would help me with my top 5 or top 10 lists. One top 5 list that I happened to find in a folder the other day amongst my radio memorabilia was the top 5 things you can say at World Dairy Expo and not get slapped. As I recall, I think 4 of these came from Cliff in not all 5. So here it is, the Top Five Things You Can Say at World Dairy Expo and not get Slapped. #5. Look at the body on that one. #4. Yeah, but look at her rear end. #3. Boy, is she set firm and high. #2. Look at that fat heifer! And #1. What a Cow!!
In the same folder of memorabilia was a list that I believe Cliff and a couple others helped me write as well. Top 10 Agricultural Adages that you can use ‘Til the Cows come home! #10. Knee high by the 4th of July. #9. Sweat like a pig. #8. Were you born in a barn? #7. When pigs fly. #6. In a coon’s age. #5. Since Hector was a pup. #4. You can lead a horse to water. #3. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off. #2. Stubborn as a mule. #1. Ain’t worth a hill of beans!
I came about writing these because, first, David Letterman did them and secondly, I worked with a guy in Sioux City radio that would come up with top 5 lists that were based on local events and I thought I can do this with an agriculture theme to them. I have one more…for now. There’s more where these came from.
There was a story several years ago now that North Carolina had the most outhouses of any state, possibly numbered around 200,000. State officials were concerned about environmental factors and wanted to eliminate as many as possible. So with that, the top 5 reasons North Carolina has the most outhouses in the country. #5. They have the most Sears catalogs of any state, so it stands to reason. #4. They double as a spare bedroom for visiting relatives or farm broadcasters. #3. They don’t all ‘smoke’ that tobacco, so they need a place to spit. #2. With another election year, state officials said they needed all the crapholes they could find! And the #1 reason NC has so many outhouses…Two Words…Hurricane Bunkers
